The journaling prompt that I received from MagicDuck (originally located here : [link] ) has honestly caused me a great amount of discomfort since I have read it.

Those close to me know that I am very afraid of journaling. It is something I have decided to work on over the last little bit. But this journaling prompt seems to have forced me to face my fear head on.

I am constantly one who is afraid that my words will not be good enough to cross the velvet rope. I constantly feel that I have nothing to offer to the world, in terms of my words. This is probably my fear of failure, which penetrates most parts of my creative life. You see, I seem to have this disorder, as I like to call it, where I prefer not to do things that I am automatically good at. It is an especially strong fear with writing because there is a certain permanence about it. If I put them on paper I feel like they go into the world, never again able to hide within my brain, out there to be judged and mulled over by others. And how do you make them perfect? There is such an array of interpretations that can be assigned to even the simplest ideas, that I never know if my ideas will be clearly understood. Needless to say, there is some anxiety there.

My friends, and significant other have tried to convince me that this is one of those things that almost no one is automatically good at. That is has to be practiced. But how do you do that when you are afraid to let others look at your work? And, as usually, I am often my own worst critic. So what options do I have? For me it seems almost easier to put these words out there digitally and have someone else judge their value. It seems that much more impersonal and leads me to believe that I am less likely to have an emotional reaction to any criticisms. It seems like it is easier to take because I don’t know these people personally, and they cannot attach any personal experiences they have with me to my writing.

For me, this journey, to get over the fear, is very personal. I don’t have much to offer to the population at large, in terms of providing advice. I feel like for me, the real stepping stone is this type of journaling. It is taking this time to contemplate while realizing that there is no right answer, that there is no right or wrong way to answer this, or any other question like this one. That you just have to do it. That the words come and whether good or bad they get out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. It’s a start I think. I hope.

And maybe for some of us, like me, the key is not to get caught up in the words. To use the analogy provided for me at the beginning of this exercise, maybe you just have to stand in line, get in the club, and bust out your best move. And if it all goes to hell…well try another club next time. I have to believe that there is a place for all of us in this world. A place where each of us can do our dance and be accepted, where everyone’s words, everyone’s journey is valued. I love that people around me, and even those I don’t know, are willing to share their journey. Maybe someone will find value in mine…maybe they will see me busting out the robot as they walk by that club and decide that if I can get in, they can too.

-M